| Becoming Caring Christian solutions to life's tough problems Programs of Family Life, Personal & Spiritual Growth, Study Skills, & Educational Enrichment 600 North 7th Street Crockett, TX 75835 |
| Unlocking Happiness |
| Suppose a man comes to see me and says, "My life is over. I'll never be happy again."[61] Suppose I begin by listening, reflecting back to thoughts and feelings to be sure that I understand.[62] In this way I extend emotional support, help discover buried feelings, and sort out thoughts/feelings. Let us further suppose that after several sessions he is not making progress. By "progress" I mean reducing distress, acting on rational solutions, and improving the ability to function. One day he arrives for an appointment, but the same general subtext continues: "My life is over. I'll never be happy again." However, this time I respond, "What do you mean, your life is over?" The person will reply that, as I know, his wife died, they were close, and he misses her. We will continue our dialogue, and I will continue to press to clarify the meaning. The person is walking, talking, keeping appointments, working, and carrying out daily activities. What can he possibly mean? He may laugh at me or may become angry with me, but he will feel better. Here is the whole story in this hypothetical situation. Five years earlier, the couple was sitting in the den watching TV when the wife developed chest pains. They rushed to the emergency room of the hospital where she died of a massive heart attack. When the doctor broke the news of the death, the automatic thought occurred: MY LIFE IS OVER (with attached feelings of despair).[63] At the funeral, the thought I WILL NEVER BE HAPPY AGAIN popped into his mind with feelings of despair attached. In the hospital and at the funeral, the automatic thoughts/feelings are understandable and appropriate. Five years later he comes to see me. As I listen, the automatic thoughts MY LIFE IS OVER and I WILL NEVER BE HAPPY AGAIN occur with despair attached. Whatever triggered his automatic thoughts, the feelings are the feelings recorded in the past.[64] Automatic thoughts can be triggered by anything. Perhaps one Saturday morning the silence in the house punched the memory button. Perhaps he cleaned out a closet and found an old pair of her shoes. Identifying the trigger to the memory can at times be difficult, but thoughts and feelings are always connected. The man's automatic thoughts/feelings, while appropriate in those existential moments, are now irrational and distorted. Feelings condense experience, but feelings can be irrational and/or distorted. For example, suppose you step into the street outside your house and a speeding car bears down on you. Without thinking, you jump out of the way, scarcely aware of the fear you feel. Certainly, you do not verbalize that a car is coming, that the car can hurt you, that you feel afraid, and that therefore you should jump out of the way. You feel fear and react. However, suppose you step outside your house and your thirty-year-old neighbor is standing on the curb obviously agitated. He starts to go into the street, stops, starts, stops, and finally stands distressed on the curb. As you inquire about his distress, he says that his ball is in the street. You would worry about that neighbor. In normal living, a child taught not to go into the street updates the command and attendant emotions. If your thirty-year-old neighbor is overwhelmed by a fear of going into the street like a small child responding to the problem, something is wrong. In a similar manner, our hypothetical man feels despair, but he needs to update the attached thoughts.[65] Of course, I am discussing "normal" emotions. Brain damage, an abnormality of the brain, or a chemical imbalance in the brain (a medical problem) complicates the point. For example, depression is often correlated with a genetic component, yet some studies of identical twins indicate that each twin often reacts differently (to the death of their mother, for example). One twin may experience depression while the other twin does not. Since brain chemistry is always involved in the functioning brain, one cannot distinguish between the normal and abnormal by citing brain chemistry. For example, much depression is repressed anger. After three weeks, if the depression does not lift, the brain chemistry is affected. Current practice is to prescribe an antidepressant to alter the chemical imbalance so the brain can function properly, allowing the person the option of sorting out the thoughts/feelings rationally. Many depressed people need an antidepressant only temporarily. However, some types of depression appear to have a genetic component and are linked to a person's biological makeup, requiring medication over time to maintain a more normal chemical balance. We all become depressed and anxious, but some become so depressed they cannot leave their beds, and some become so anxious that they cannot leave their houses. Mental illness is a matter of degree related to function. Any medical problem can be intensified by distorted or irrational automatic thoughts/feelings. However, to return to our hypothetical man, why did he feel better when I asked him questions? A triggered thought/feeling is automatic and once stimulated will play endlessly. The questions I asked engaged a different part of his brain, flipped off the automatic memory, and returned him to the present. His situation remained the same, but his despair was absent. To help my clients understand engaging the higher brain functions, I challenge them to perform a mental experiment. First, I say, "Close the door." I challenge them to reflect on how they hear and react to that direct statement. Some feel angry because they hear a command, for example. Then, to continue the thought experiment, I say, "What would happen if we closed that door?" After giving them time to reflect on their reactions, I point out that before responding to the question, they must turn the question around mentally, think about the question, and then choose a response. They thus experience engaging the higher brain functions and can understand better why a question "flips off" the automatic thought/feeling of memory. For those who think in pictures (see a mental movie replaying with feelings attached), self-talk may work better than questions. In other words, if you start to talk to yourself, the verbalization also flips off the automatic thought/feeling and returns your focus to the present. Again, we are talking about people experiencing normal emotions. If you are having panic attacks, you may need medication to help you calm down enough to deal with the distorted automatic thought. At some point, I generally do another mental experiment with my clients. I ask them to imagine that they come into my library, tell me off, call me names, and verbally insult me. To continue the experiment, I ask them to suppose that I remain calm, listen, and allow them to unload their pent-up emotions. Then, I ask them to imagine leaving. I tell them that as soon as they leave, my automatic thoughts /feelings will start: WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE? HOW DARE THEY TALK TO ME LIKE THAT? IT IS NOT FAIR. THEY OUGHT NOT TO TALK TO ME LIKE THAT. All those automatic thoughts have anger attached, and (the way my mind works) the whole scene would mentally replay (like watching a movie). Every word, every response, the body language, every detail would replay in my head; I would be reliving the whole incident, becoming more and more angry the longer I watched the mental movie. The next phase of the mental experiment is for them to imagine they return to my office after walking around the block. They are to imagine my greeting them by saying, "You made me angry." I ask if the statement seems true. Usually, they will say that the statement is true: their verbal assault made me angry. Then I point out that my automatic thoughts produced the feelings of anger, not the words they uttered. "Yes, but their words triggered the feelings," someone might say. In this case, intentionally insulting language clouds the issue somewhat. However, chance remarks not intended to be insulting, a certain body posture, or a smell may also trigger automatic thoughts/feelings. The point is emotions are related to thoughts, and the thoughts are often untrue, distorted, irrelevant, or irrational. I do not have to be at the mercy of automatically triggered thoughts/feelings. Deliberately insulting words may be triggers, but the automatic thoughts are the carriers of the emotions (in this case, anger). While I may suppress my anger (correctly) during the actual exchange, once the incident is over, the automatic thoughts/feelings will come to the surface and intensify over time unless I flip the cut-off switch. Perhaps I will decide that the automatic IT IS NOT FAIR is true, that indeed the client's verbal assault was not fair. I do not need all that anger (energy) to work to make the situation fairer. By facing the fact that life is not fair, I can flip off the anger, remain calm, and deal calmly with the situation. Personally, I have decided that life is not fair (a rational conclusion). I do not want to be angry all the time, escalate conflict, and be destructive. When I discover IT IS NOT FAIR, I do not have to work through the feeling anew every time. That particular thought has already been considered, has a mental red flag attached, and is routinely dismissed. In other words, while I cannot prevent my automatic thoughts (and attached feelings), I can refuse to accept the automatic thoughts/feelings as absolute truth. Later, I can attack the triggered automatic thoughts, discerning the truth. Truth is, again, a tricky word. Here I simply use the word pragmatically to indicate consciously considered reality. The automatic thought IT IS NOT FAIR may be true, but wallowing in the anger or acting on the anger may be irrational. Emotional responses are secondary to events. Suppose a man is unhappy with his marriage. Let us further suppose that the automatic thought is IT IS NOT FAIR/anger. He may consider his wife's behavior and decide that indeed her actions are not fair. However, his anger will only make the situation worse. He can work to make the situation fairer, but excessive anger will interfere with communication, can erupt in violence, and will considerably increase his stress. The fact is that his response to the thought IT IS NOT FAIR /anger is his choice. Just as there is a difference in the automatic thought THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE and the reality (true or not), so there is a difference in the automatic thought IT IS NOT FAIR (true or not) and the reality. The thought occurs in our head while the reality occurs even if we do not exist. The thought "the flower is on the table" is different from the flower on the table. If we did not see the flower on the table, the flower would still be on the table to be observed by others. However, people who cannot distinguish between their thoughts and reality will be stubborn, opinionated, close-minded, and destructively sure that their view of reality (thought) is reality; in addition, they will be sure that everyone else is wrong. In other words, to such a person there is no difference in the flower on the table and his/her thought "the flower is on the table." Such a person assumes that he/she is the only reality. Any questioning of his/her perception will unleash an attack to protect his/her egocentric universe. Such people demand absolute agreement (akin to being worshipped) and will either be lonely (people will leave them physically or emotionally) or will be destructively controlling. In the thought experiment, I attempt to lead my clients to see that my automatic thoughts rather than their words caused my anger. Once we understand that our feelings relate to automatic thoughts, we can attack the thoughts. In other words, while we need to be honest about and stay in touch with our feelings, we cannot attack feelings. When we attack feelings, we only bury the feeling in the subconscious where the feelings remain powerful and active, leading to irrational behavior. If we are angry, sad, hurt, etc., that is the truth about how we feel. To change how we feel, we must work through the attached thought. In fact, emotions are energy, and emotions will find expression. Thus we appropriately suppress our anger with our boss, but all too often we come home and kick the dog, blow up at our mate, or sink into depression. We need to know when we are angry, but the next step is to work through the anger by finding the attached automatic thought. Perhaps it is not fair, but we can dismiss the thought once we realize that indeed life is not fair. Why should we go through life surprised when unfair things happen? After we dismiss the thought, we can work rationally to make the situation more fair. Dealing with automatic thoughts/feelings not only helps us cope with life but also helps us to experience happiness. By happy I mean the absence of negative automatic thoughts/feelings. The automatic WHAT IF I DO NOT PAY MY BILLS/anxiety leads us to make time to pay our bills. Normally, we experience the WHAT IF thought, pass judgment on the thought, dismiss or act on the thought, and return to the present (from the hypothetical and anxiety-laden future). If we judge the WHAT IF I DO NOT PAY MY BILLS/anxiety to be realistic, we sit down and write bills, then dismiss the negative anxiety-filled thought, and experience the present. If other negative automatic thoughts (I HATE PAPERWORK /depression, for example) pop up as we sit down to write the bills, we feel unhappy even as we are taking appropriate action to deal with the realistic thought/anxiety. We may not remember when we first recorded the negative thought/feeling about hating paperwork, and we do not have to remember the origin in order to deal with the thought/negative emotion. If the thought/negative emotion is unrealistic, we attack the thought through questions or self-talk. Only after we have worked through the negative automatic thought/feeling, can we choose to move on by focusing on a positive thought (which carries positive emotions). Positive thinking should not be substituted for honesty, however. For example, to inject a positive thought/feeling (THIS IS A WONDERFUL EXPERIENCE/joy) without dealing with the automatic negative thought/feeling (I HATE PAPERWORK /depression) creates a load of unfinished business. Unfinished business wears us out emotionally and physically. Positive thinking is a useful tool, but only as a final step, and only if the positive thought/feeling we are substituting is rational. Other attempts to feel good can be misguided and simply are attempts to bury the negative thoughts/feelings. Drugs and alcohol, for example, are used to make a person feel good by numbing emotional pain. Excessive spending, promiscuous sex, and irrational behaviors are all attempts to impose positive feelings by burying the pain. We feel good for the moment, but the old negative automatic thoughts/feelings return with a vengeance. Happiness is not a state to be reached but a moment to be enjoyed. Anxiety, fear, anger, sadness, and grief are all a part of being human. The problem comes when the negative automatic thoughts/feelings add to the load of unfinished emotional baggage. It is one thing to be insulted, feel anger, and move on. It is another thing to be insulted, feel anger, wallow in the anger, and act irrationally. A happy person who is insulted feels the anger and moves on. One second he/she is angry and the next second he/she in enjoying the beautiful song of a bird. Developing a lifestyle in which one consistently works though negative automatic thoughts/feelings leads to personal/spiritual growth and thus more moments of happiness. For example, I have so often worked through the IT IS NOT FAIR/anger thought that such anger is now felt and easily dismissed. I still have a whole list of habitual negative automatic thoughts/feelings that are personal to me, but the more familiar robbers of my happiness can no longer lead me far astray. The point I make to my clients involved in the thought experiment is that I do not want my whole day to be ruined because they dumped their negative emotions on me. To replay a scene mentally in order to evaluate the incident might be helpful (i.e., change my behavior, extend an apology). However, once I replay the scene and evaluate my performance, why should I continue to wallow in negative emotions? One of my most difficult tasks is to convince clients that it is OK to have a problem and feel good. To illustrate my point, I will sometimes say, "I'm going to count to three. When I reach three, let's be miserable." I then start counting while my client is trying to take it all in. When I reach three, I say, "Misery, hurt, anguish, despair, come on, let's be miserable." By this time he/she is usually laughing. I then point out that if I thought for a moment that being miserable would make his/her situation better, we would wallow in misery. I say, "You laugh because you know it is absurd." I also warn my clients that our culture demands that, if we have a problem, we should be miserable. If you lose a job and smile, someone will want to know what is wrong with you. Such negative people assume that you are not taking life seriously enough, are not trying hard enough, and are generally irresponsible. In fact, I warn them that if they start feeling good, some people will obsessively attempt to drag them down to the socially accepted level of despair. Many people marry to find happiness. However, in a marriage old negative automatic thoughts/feelings return after the chemical high of "being in love" passes. In helping people with marriage difficulties, I must early on dispel the myth that we marry to make another person happy. We cannot make another person happy. What makes a person happy or unhappy is going on in that person's head. After we express concern, empathize, and make caring gestures, we might as well go on with our lives. Only the person can deal with his/her negative automatic thoughts/ feelings. Furthermore, if we demand that our mate make us happy, we are beginning a downward destructive spiral that will destroy either the marriage or the people in the family. Each person must assume responsibility for his/her own happiness. No person can actually "make" another one happy. My insights about happiness developed because of my own pilgrimage. When I was a teenager, my family faced a crisis, and my encounters with God saved me from despair.[66] The gospel, as proclaimed in my church, related success and happiness to conversion (becoming a Christian by making a conscious decision to follow Christ). No doubt, my religious experiences in which I sensed the Presence of God not only saved me from despair but also helped me develop my talents. Whatever problems I may have had were not related to laziness or insincerity. Starting in my teenage years, I faithfully prayed and read my Bible daily. Often I would get up at 4 a.m. and read, devouring Bible dictionaries and what commentaries I had available in addition to reading the Bible through more than once. In addition, I read every book by spiritual leaders that I could lay my hands on. Learning to take promises from the Bible and claim them in prayer doubtless helped me cope and reshape my thought patterns. However, anxiety and depression (as I learned to call it later) remained. In a way, I achieved some success in my limited sphere, such as improving my grades, and receiving a scholarship for college. However, happiness escaped me. In spite of my faithful obedience, sadness, anxiety, and depression remained. I followed the pietistic teachings of my church, and later felt anger at being fed false tests of fellowship and irrelevant rules. Nonetheless, however frustrated I became with the Institutional Church, the Institutional Church proclaimed the gospel to me; and the Institutional Church remains the only institution in society proclaiming the gospel. The gospel my church proclaimed led me in my moment of crisis to be open to the possibility of a living God. Experiencing the Presence of God, praying, reading ideas in the scripture that presented me with new ways of thinking (no one else ever told me to love my enemies), and trusting God literally saved me. One telling moment in my life came in my sophomore year of college. I came back to my dorm room one night completely miserable. My roommate was out, and I stood alone in my dark room looking out the window. Below, a streetlight glowed picturesquely through the branches of a tree. The campus was quiet, and the silence opened my mind to reflection. "What is wrong with me?" I asked myself. I was in the college I wanted to attend on a full scholarship. Moreover, I also possessed a tennis scholarship, was lettering in tennis as a sophomore, was making passing grades, had a car, possessed a closet full of nice clothes, and enjoyed dating. As I stood there and thought of my friends and of the hardships many experienced to stay in college, I realized that I was blessed. Nevertheless, my inner misery would not abate. I finally shrugged off the moment and continued to plod along, but I never forgot that night. During this period, I first read Carl Roger's On Becoming a Person and discovered the idea that I should be honest about my feelings. When I became honest about my feelings, I discovered rage. My family situation had been frustrating, and I did not understand anger as energy. Given the teachings of my church, I felt anger was wrong. My buried feelings of anger no doubt contributed to my depression and despair. In addition, a fear of failure drove me, producing intense anxiety. As I approached the age of forty, another existential crisis loomed in my life. The more I followed the light God gave me, the more I seemed at odds with the propaganda, the power struggles, the ungodly politics, and the glib answers being promoted by my denomination. God seemed to be leading me away from a traditional pastoral ministry. After much prayer and great inner struggle, I resigned my pastorate and returned to my hometown to write a novel--as nearly as I could put into words my sense of God's direction. I had no doubt of the direction of God's leading and no doubt that I should try to write a novel, but I was also aware of the limits of my understanding (my faith vs. my understanding of my faith). But financially, the idea seemed impossible. I have been blessed with an adventurous wife who always encouraged me to follow my understanding of God's leadership. Returning from vacation after my fortieth birthday, the conviction became unbearable. My wife encouraged me to follow the light God provided and offered to teach a year to provide cash flow for the family. From that point on, the doors opened: her teaching position fell into place; our finances fell into place; and a new direction in our lives started. Any good I have ever done in this world is largely due to her. During that year of concentrated writing, another insightful moment occurred. I had just spent the morning working on the novel.[67] Since I arose early and put in two three-hour sessions by noon, I allowed myself a nap and a walk before returning to my desk. As I started my walk, I noticed my usual unhappiness returning, and I again asked, "What is wrong with me?" I was living my dream. My wife was teaching school to help me have the year to write. Doors had opened and resources had become available. I was doing exactly what I wanted to do (which I understood to be of God, not some rebellious tangent), and I was still unhappy. As I walked down the country dirt road on a cool, beautiful day, I could almost hear my unhappy mother in my head, criticizing, filled with anxiety. I began to ask myself, "Could it be an old Parent tape playing in my head, and the Child in me responding? Could it be that simple?"[68] I had always assumed that if I looked under one more rock (figuratively speaking), I would find the answer my longing for happiness. That day I decided (correctly) that old tapes were playing in my head, complete with outdated emotions. In this same general period of my life, I began to incorporate cognitive and rational-emotive therapy concepts into my ministry. The more I explored the ideas, the more I became convinced that here lay the missing piece of my existential puzzle. Thoughts (words/pictures) are attached to emotions that are based on past learning. Automatic thoughts triggered in our head carry archaic emotions, and the thoughts are often irrational or distorted. I am always slow to incorporate a new idea into my philosophy of life, and even slower to teach a new idea to others. As I tested this approach against scripture, the book of Galatians took on new meaning, especially the passages that spoke of the war between the Spirit and the flesh. After much study and prayerful consideration, there seemed to be truth in defining the flesh as "the old conditioned responses to life." In other words, past learning tends to dominate our cognitions, perceptions, and actions as automatic thoughts/feelings are triggered (flesh responses). God's grace forgives and redeems the past, and God's grace extends into the future to remove our existential anxiety. Thus, God's grace empowers the present, "the only point where time intersects eternity." As we live in the present, The Spirit can better direct us to move beyond the flesh responses into new ways of thinking and feeling. I have outlined before the method of spiritual growth I share with others, but perhaps it bears repeating in this context. The method starts with confession (being honest with God about our feelings), reflection (working through the automatic thoughts), and assimilation (inserting new thoughts/feelings). To dismiss an automatic thought and leave a vacuum is to invite another negative automatic thought (or the old one to return). Most people notice that when they are busy, they feel better. Leave a mental vacuum, however, and negative automatic thoughts /feelings will pop up. For example, I feel despair and discover the automatic thought IT IS HOPELESS/despair. After rational consideration, I conclude that the situation is not hopeless. By choosing to affirm a positive thought THE FUTURE CAN BE GOOD/hope, my mind is occupied (focused on the present). Holidays, days off, bedtime, and other moments in which the mind is not occupied leave a vacuum for negative automatic thoughts/feelings to return. If, after rational consideration, I conclude that the future can be good, why should I not adopt the new thought rather than leave an opportunity for the irrational, archaic, rejected thought to return? All my life I had been aware of God's blessings while nonetheless remaining unhappy. Once I realized that my negative feelings related to past learning (automatic thoughts/feelings), and once I learned how to move from feelings to thoughts to rational responses, I was free to be led by the Spirit into new ways of thinking and feeling. In summary, our basic emotions are recorded early in life (fear, anger, sadness, etc.), and events trigger these emotions. God's grace empowers the present. The gospel tells us that we can leave the past because we are forgiven, redeemed, and have a new life. Moreover, we should not be obsessive about the future because we can trust the God that Jesus revealed. Coping skills are improved once we learn that automatic thoughts (and the related feelings) can be flipped off like a light switch. Happiness comes by moving from negative thoughts/emotions to positive thoughts/emotions. However, here is the real issue: Most people go through life with the assumption that they will be happy if and when. If or when they land the right job, fall in love, marry, have children, make money, or find some other magic talisman, then they will be happy. The truth is that we reach a goal, feel good for about two weeks, and then the automatic thoughts start again. I AM TOO FAT/THIN. NO ONE LOVES ME. WHAT IF I LOSE THIS JOB? Negative automatic thoughts related to the self are one way to describe a poor self-image. Happiness is not out there. Happiness is inner (automatic thoughts and related feelings). If we feel unhappy, we drag down others, become a pain to others, and burden our friends. We also short-circuit our opportunities and create problems. It is OK to have a problem and feel good. It is OK to be disliked and feel good. If we feel good, we think more clearly, take advantage of opportunities, forgive more easily, and contribute positively to society. Happiness is in our head, not in our situation. _______________ [61] All the illustrations given in this chapter (except for personal references) are hypothetical rather than case studies. [62] When you reflect back to another person what you hear, only three responses are possible: (1) Yes, that is what I said/feel (allowing the healing that comes from being heard); (2) No, that is not what I said/feel (allowing an opportunity to clarify); (3) I thought that is what I meant, but when I hear you say it back to me, that is not quite my meaning (allowing the person clarify his/her thoughts/feelings). [63] In this section, I will use capitalization for automatic thoughts. [64] For the insights related to the relationship of thoughts and feelings, I am indebted to research and writings about cognitive and rational-emotive therapy. See the works of Aaron T. Beck (who developed cognitive therapy) and Albert Ellis (who developed rational-emotive therapy). [65] The thought may be words with feelings linked, or the thought may be a visual replaying of an experience with feelings attached. We relive rather than remember. [66] See the discussion on "Knowing God." I am the fourteen-year-old boy in the illustration. [67] Nothing ever came of the novel. One person I consulted about the "finished" product rightly called it an extended parable--which is exactly what it was. Given what I now know about writing, the finished product was only a rough draft, needing much more work. After spending a year on the project, I moved on. However, the writing caused me to clarify my thoughts (again, the difference in my faith and my understanding of my faith; the difference in God's guidance and my understanding of God's guidance). [68] I had by this time discovered Transactional Analysis, an approach that attempts to put psychological insights into plain English. Insights from that school of thought have continued to prove helpful in my pragmatic approach to ministry. |